Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Man Boy of Chappaqua

First, I’m not really sure this guy is from Chappaqua, I just wanted to call the post that since the sign over his head says Chappaqua. Second, how cool is my mosaic filter identity disguiser, (used as always on the advice of my lawyer, Billz Just Fertalkin). I personally think its a big improvement over my previous legal safeguard, the eye covering black bar. Feel free to weigh in. So to the point, this guy caught my eye the other day, because, well, frankly because on a peak train full of guys in ill-fitted suits, untied ties, and hopeless gazes, a man dressed like a 3rd grader tends to stand out. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a big supporter of riding the train on a weekday as a civilian. In fact, its one of the rare treats in a commuters life. I love taking a Wednesday off and heading in on my regular train undercover, pretending that I’m an aloof hipster or a trust fund a-hole, who only goes into the city when I feels like it, and who dresses more for urban survival than for corporate conformity. It’s like riding your bike through a traffic jam. You’re there, but your not suffering like everyone else. Or more to the point, you’re not suffering like you usually do. But if you’re going to grab a little bit of life on a weekday for yourself, I say go for it. Let your freak flag fly brother. Break out the temporary tats, pop the collar, toss the livestrong for a little hemp laniard, go for the black chucks, off color yankees lid, some sunglasses, an ipod, anything man. This is your moment. Look around you! Youre surrounded by guys wearing clothes they don’t want to wear, lugging 15 pound briefcases they don’t want to lug, guys who have to drink a cup of coffee at 5 in the evening just to have the energy to walk to the train, a train they have to ride every effing day of there lives. You are free man! In fact, you are not just free, you are a symbol of freedom in a wasteland of incarcerated commuters. You are motherfucking Easy Rider man, and if you’re going to ride this train and stand there in front of all of us, you need to be Easy Rider. And Easy Rider didn’t wear flat front khaki shorts, faux denim low tops and a Dennis the Menace shirt, now did he? No sir, he did not.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Summer Sartorialist

THIS ONE GOES OUT to all the ladies in the house. As we all know by now, it’s summertime, and the living is anything but easy. In fact, the living is ungodly effing hot. And as much as it pains me to say this, I’ve been noticing quite a few fashion don’ts on the rails lately, so I thought I would take a moment to offer some advice to my fellow female passengers on the proper way to beat the heat without sticking to your seat...

Rule Number One: Leggings are Not Pants.
Yes, I know they are super convenient and super comfy, but they also tend to ride up, if you know what I mean. So here’s a tip. If you can actually see your ass crack (or any other crack for that matter) when you wear something, that’s a hint that its meant to go UNDER something else, say a simple print dress or eyelet top that hangs below the waist. They’re called leggings for a reason girls. They show off your legs! They’re not called asslings, or cracklings, or buttlings. Lets keep it covered.

Rule Number Two: Toe The Line
I’m seeing lots of sandals out there, to which I say “absolutely!”. Everything from simple flats to gladiators (a little 2008, but they still work!). Go ahead and take advantage of a footloose summer fashion moment. But I’m also noticing a few open toe no-no’s, so here’s a few things to watch out for. First, flip flops are really more of a beach shoe and less of a commuting shoe. You see, when you ride the train, It’s possible that I may have to look at your feet for upwards of an hour, and I don’t really want to look at your 2-year-old, rotting, black-soled, fungus-riddled havaianas, so lets leave those for the weekend, shall we. Also, please pay a little more attention to those toenails! Along with the sandal comes a little grooming responsibility. I understand that a pedicure and a fresh coat of polish isnt always on the to-do list , but if you see lots of yellowish discoloration, thick scaley buildup, black dead areas or bruising, ingrown nails, bunions, corns, or if your toenails are simply falling off because you just ran a triathlon last week, well, these are all signs that you should seek medical attention. These are also all signs that nobody wants to see your effing toes.

Rule Number Three: Skin is Not Really In
When it’s as hot as it’s been lately, we’re all tempted to go with a little less on, am I right girls!? Holla! But just how much skin to show is always a delicate balance between appropriate and, well, truly effing disgusting, so here are a few simple tips to follow: If you’re carrying the absolute largest bag that Coach makes, and you’re still having trouble hiding most of your exposed stomach, it’s time to rethink your ensemble. I know its hot and all, and heaven knows your milkshake will bring all the boys to the yard, but some of us on the train may have eaten a meal in last 7 hours, so lets get that under control. And we all know that showing a hint of a bra is a sexy and acceptable fashion summer DO, but nobody wants to see the the whole thing. I mean, when what we’re seeing is less of a delicate lace moment and more of an amazing feat of structural engineering, then its time to scale back.

AND finally ladies, while we’re on the subject of undergarments, please let’s all remember what you learned the first time you sat on stage in a dress. Say it with me...legs together! Especially when you sit in the communal seats that face other passengers. Just like with the bra, a momentary glimpse of underwear isn’t the worse thing in the world to the average Joe Commuter, but lets not go all Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. If the guy across the seat can tell that you’re still on your winter grooming schedule, or that you shop in the discount underwear department at Kohl’s, well then the magic’s pretty much over, isnt it?

That’s it! Not so hard, right! If you can follow these simple tips for dressing for success on the trains, I think we can all enjoy a happy and healthy summer. And for the fella’s out there, flys up, shirts buttoned, and no scratching inside the pants until you get home please. Thanks everyone!